Hector the Real Estate Guy

This is a back and forth that started with Hector e-mailing a real estate agent named Shelley. He CC’d me and another person. Here is Hector’s initial e-mail.

Good morning Shelley,

Thank you for making the changes to the flyer, it looks great. However, I do have a question. Why do you have “Information provided by seller or third-party sources. Information not verified or guaranteed” on the flyer? Is that a typo? I would imagine that as an agent, information would be verified since they represent the buyer. I understand disclaimers, but I’m not understanding it in this case. Any insight that you may provide, I would gladly appreciate it. Thank you in advance.

Best regards, Hector

Since I never had a plan for any kind of blog when I would get these types of e-mails in the past, I often gave simple yet rude replies. I was more annoyed that I was getting e-mailed on accident than trying to come up with witty lines to go back and forth with. Also, I thought Hector came off as kind of a dick. Here was my reply:

Are you fucking serious with this question?

This seemed to fire Hector up…

Hello Alan,

Yes, I’m pretty serious about this question.  You’re considered a SME in real estate since you have been working in the field for several years and I’m not.  If I don’t understand something, then I have to ask questions so I can get a better understanding.

However, if I were working in your field and I would ask a question such as the one that I had asked, then I could see you asking “Are you fucking serious with this question?”  Thank you for your time.

Hector

This type of response is like blood in the water. This guy has no idea that he’s being messed with which makes my job that much easier. My reply…

Hector Hector Hector….

Where to begin…

I understand that you have not been working in this field for several years, so please do me a favor and leave this to the pros.

BTW, what does SME mean?

Hector:

Hi Alan,

I don’t appreciate you responding back with Hector…Hector…Hector…and then telling me to leave it to the pros.  That to me is unprofessional and inappropriate.  I would have thought that you would have responded with an apology for inadvertently forwarding me that e-mail, but you’re not taking any ownership.

As I previously stated, if I have questions then I’m going to ask questions.  That’s what has made me the successful leader that I am in my beloved Army, and in my civilian job.  I just don’t jump when someone tells me to.  I will ask why.  Also, to answer your question, SME stands for Subject Matter Expert.

As a reminder, Denisse and I are the clients.  So I do believe that we’re entitled to ask questions and have things done a certain way as long as its reasonable.  I’m not happy with this, and I’ll be discussing this further with Denisse offline.

Hector

At this point I was starting to feel a little bad. Not for Hector, I loved yanking his chain. But I didn’t really want to cause the Alan Black this was meant for any trouble at work. I ended it with the next couple of e-mails…

dude, that’s messed up, don’t rat me out bro.

and

JUST JOKING!!!  i’m not the alan black that you think i am. be careful with e-mail addresses. DOOODODOduhDODO

Hector was never to be heard from again.

Who wants to go to Cuba anyway?

Let’s get right down to it:

Dear A. Black and D. J. McKeane-Black,

Below is the original email that was sent to you on August 5, 2010 regarding proof of insurance for trips to Cuba.

Trusting this has helped.

Mary Jane Salonga
Ontario Blue Cross

My simple reply:

Please cancel this.

Which prompted this:

Dear Alan Black,

The document that was sent can be used for future trips to Cuba during your period of coverage with Blue Cross.For inquiries regarding your health plan, please contact the Customer Service department at 416-640-xxxx or 1-866-xxx-xxxx  The hours of operation are from 8:00am-5:00pmEST Monday to Friday.

Sincerely,

Mary Jane Salonga\

I wasn’t in the mood for typing apparently:

I’m not going

Their reply:

Dear A. Black and D. . McKeane-Black,

The letter that has been provided  is for all insured listed under the policy.  
It is valid even if only one of you are travelling to Cuba.

Sincerely,

Mary Jane Salonga

At this point I was pretty much done with exchange and ended it with:

Neither of us are going, in fact, i’d rather you go in our place. Thank you. You can use our insurance. It’s ok, just don’t embarrass me.

Happy Holidays

This time I got mixed up in holiday greetings e-mail that was sent to several people…

I hope you are all having a wonderful Christmas and have a great new year.

All the best

Nick

Another reply came before I could say anything:

This is António from Portugal.

I wish you all a Very Merry Christmas … oh, is gone! No problem I wish you a Very Merry Christmas of 2011. Is it OK like that? I hope I’m still on time, … as usual.

As you know I’m already off the Army. This is the real B side of my life.

If you come down here do not forget to pay a visit. My house will be yours. I’ll be around always eager to see my old friends again.

Have a good Year of 2011 along with your family and friends.

Kind regards to everybody.

António

That was when I decided to get in on it:

2011 will be a big year for me, as it is the year that I finally get my long awaited sex change. Yes, my penis will be transformed into a beautiful, glorious vagina. I hope that you will all support me in this life changing decision. Also from now on, I would like to be known as Alice.

I hope the new year is finding you all incredibly well.

Your true friend
Alice

Unfortunately these jerks must not have been very supportive as I never heard back.

Updates

I have done some serious mining of my e-mail account and have found several e-mail correspondences to share on this blog. Unfortunately I don’t have much of a way to control the content flow as I rely on others to screw up an e-mail address. For this reason I will post the old stuff slowly over the next few months and hopefully during that time more new content will be come available.

Hank The Yacht Guy Pt. 2

The conversation between Hank and I ended with Hank showing me a $900,000 yacht.

Here is my reply to Hank.

Hello Hank,

Thank you for the follow up, the respect that you are showing me will not be forgotten. As you know, I am a man who knows quality and what you are now showing me is much closer to the standard that I expect for myself, my family, my staff, and Saphire. The Passport Vista 515 looks like it may interest me. Eventually I would like to see it in person but first I do
have some questions.

1. If I were to host a party on this yacht, how many people would I be able to accommodate. Hank, I like to entertain, and this is a very important issue.

2. If I needed to stash away several kilos of baking soda, are there suitable compartments on this Yacht? I hoped to find this out by looking at the pictures you provided but was unable to do so.

3. I’ve done some research and found out that the top speed of a Police Coast Guard boat is 40 knots. The specs you gave on this Yacht are thorough, but I didn’t notice a top speed listed. I will need to know this information.

Hank, I hope that you are able to provide answers to these questions. If we can do business I will be able to line you up with several of my very wealthy friends who are going to want to have a yacht at least as nice as mine.

A quick response is most appreciated.

Unfortunately I have not yet received a reply.

Those Damn Norse

Here is a back and forth that happened several years ago. I just dug this one up and realized that when I first started messing with these people that I wasn’t always out to fool them into thinking I was someone else. No, sometimes I was just a dick. Let me apologize to anyone from or living in New Jersey, and the Norse.

Here is the original e-mail that started this one off:

Hello Alan,

Hope you had a great vacation!  How are things?  Have you joined Steve’s MeetUp Group? click below for details.  We are having a MeetUp in NYC on 9.9.08 with Steve, log in for details below.

Trade Well,

Zen Alldredge

As I said, sometimes I’m just a dick to these people. My response:

suck it

And the rest of the back and forth:

Zen: WHAT?

Me: What kind of name is Zen anyway?

Zen: Norse, what kind of name is Alan, French?

Me: This appears to be spam, which I don’t appreciate. Check yourself.

Which I then followed up with:

Me: Before you wreck yourself.

Zen: Is this Alan Black in NJ?   This is Zen, Steve’s FX trading partner?

Zen then realized his error and tried making it all better:

Zen: Alan, I am very sorry.  I just checked the email address.  I meant to type in alanlblack@xxxxxxx.com

Me: No, I am not in NJ, it smells there, like garbage. Please stop wasting my time you norse fool.

After not hearing from Zen for a couple of days I decided to wrap it up.

Me: It’s OK.  I guess i should expect it from the norse

Kelly Marie In The Buff

This e-mail was a big surprise. A girl thought she was sending a nude pic to what I can only assume was her boyfriend. BUT, she sent it to me instead. Here is the pic, crudely edited.

See the link below for the pic. There is no nudity, but not entirely safe for work either.

http://notthatalanblack.files.wordpress.com/2012/01/img00503-20110321-21471.jpg

Here are the resulting e-mails back and forth between me and Kelly Marie. I didn’t intend to mess with her at first, but it was just too easy.

Me: I think you may have the wrong Alan Black….lolz

KM:Oh my goodness. Sorry

Me: That’s ok, my girlfriend only broke up with me over it.

KM: what ? are u serious? im soo sorry. explain to her i got the wrong person please!!!

Me: I tried, I’ll have to show her these messages, it may help.

KM: i generally thought u were someone else, does she need me to speakr to her? will u please delte the picture!

Rather then go any further with this one I felt it best to leave her hanging, so to speak.